The process of coming out often takes many months, if not years. It is a highly personal experience that can be challenging along the way, but is usually very rewarding and is becoming more and more positive. The past five years have seen major changes in Ireland, culturally and legally, in relation to the LGBT community, with the majority of people polled now supporting same-sex marriage. The sexual and gender identities of any individual can be complex and often take time to figure out. While mainstream Irish society, the mammies and the daddies, are starting to come to terms with the L, the G, the B and now the T, there still remains the many other gender identities for wider society to recognise. Many people, of all ages, find the college environment the most comfortable in which to begin coming out to friends and family, but this process is fraught with fears and worries for the individual coming out and often too for the other party involved in those important conversations.
So, why do so many people find college to best place to start the process? “In college, you get to choose your own friends”, explains Paul Duggan, secretary of Trinity College’s Q Society, “there’s seventeen thousand students, you’re bound to find someone who is actually like you. People can finally just be themselves”. Paul also believes the increase in free time has a large part to play, with no one over your shoulder telling you where to be, when, or how to go about your daily work. It all contributes to a freer mindset. Paul, himself, found the college experience positive for his own identity, “I found myself in Q Soc.” he tells me, “It is a good idea to reach out to the network.” Although coming out in college is mostly positive, Paul recognises that it can be difficult immerse yourself into the tightly-woven societies across the various colleges in Ireland, especially if you’re unsure of your identity; “If you don’t want to go up to the society, just send them an email. Or go to the rights officer or the welfare officer. There are always people you can contact. Knock on a door or send an email”. Aimée, a young queer woman with whom I spoke came out when she went to college for the second time. After starting university for the first time, Aimée fell ill and remained out of education for three years; on her return she realised why her four-year relationship with a cisgender man had never felt quite right. “There are a lot of elements of masculinity that I am attracted to and I automatically assumed that masculinity was male, but it’s not ” Aimée told me, “College really helped. It got me to interact with people that I had previously not fully realised that I was attracted to. I was able to develop a queer support network that I hadn’t previously had. It felt like that element of my life had been paused for four years. I was suddenly very much myself. I could embrace aspects of myself which I had previously shoved down. I was so much happier.”
Coming out is a very personal experience, but there are some common themes, fears and issues that many people going through the process face. While each LGBT person has their own “coming out story”, there are often common grounds between them. A fear of rejection plays a big part in the process for many people as does a fear of losing friendships or strong family ties and a fear of people seeing them differently, in a negative way. There’s also a fear, Paul of Q Soc explains, of being labeled for life. David Carroll, Director of Services at BeLonGTo, a service for LGBT young people explained that the average age that people first realise they are LGBT is twelve, but the average age for coming out is seventeen, meaning there is a five year gap when the individual is processing their identity by themselves; “if you consider that people have been processing their thoughts and feelings for a while, before sharing them with anybody, it’s no wonder that there’s heightened anxiety”. Both Paul and David offered advice for people who are considering coming out; pick time and location well and consider why you’re choosing to tell a particular person. Everyone I spoke with explained that the vast majority of coming out experiences that they knew of had been positive, or eventually positive. There are still problems of homophobic and trans-phobic bullying – especially in secondary schools, but the attitudes among many Irish people are changing for the better. Although, “Irish parents seem to need some time”, Aimée tells me and many still contact BeLonGTo’s parents’ helpline, seeking help to understand what it means for their child to be LGBT. Although, as David explains, it’s a positive thing if parents are seeking help to understand their child.
So what to do if your friend or family member chooses to come out you? “The very worst thing you can tell someone is; “Oh we know!” says Paul, “you have to remember for that person, it’s a big deal – the LGBT person is choosing to tell you. Respond how you would want be responded to if you gave someone big news, because it is big news… Let them know it’s ok, you’re still they’re friend, nothing has changed except who they go to bed with – and how does that impact you?”.
Another no-no, David from BeLonGTo tells me about is asking the LGBT person if their sexuality is just a phase. But, quite often, it’s the opposite reaction that can also be negative for the person coming out: “because we live in more liberal times, we hear of people who are building up to tell their best friend, and they tell them and the friend says something like “Yeah, so? That’s nothing!” and they’re probably trying to be really cool and relaxed… like it’s no big deal. But is a big deal for someone to come out to you! Thank them for coming out to you, let them know it’s a very positive thing”. Overall though, the tone has changed and coming out stories are, for the majority, positive experiences. David tells me of the early days for the charity’s parents’ helpline; “Ten years ago, parents were calling worried because their child was gay…” Calls from parents now are more often to ask for ways to offer assistance to their child during the coming out process, or ways to let their child, who they suspect is LGBT, know that they are accepting of them and their identity.
There is still work to be done though in many areas; recognising the many gender identities is just one. Aimée, who identifies as queer and femme, explained “my partner is my boifriend, as in B-O-I-friend. “Girlfriend” just doesn’t fit. Sometimes I don’t want to say boifriend, because people hear boyfriend and then think I’m straight and I’m not – I’m femme. So, sometimes I just say girlfriend and it irks me to do that because I know it’s not the right fit. Sometimes I just refer to myself as gay because people don’t understand queer. It’s just easier sometimes. I can’t wait ’til the point where I just don’t have to do that, when it’s easier.”. I asked Aimée to further explain what queer meant to her, as the label she chooses to embrace; “I personally use queer because lesbian, to me, implies that I am a woman who likes women. But, at the moment I’m dating someone who’s gender-queer, who wouldn’t identify as a woman…queer for me is more open, more fluid than lesbian. Queer embraces queer theory and the subversion of heteronormativity. Queer allows for more than the binary Lesbian or Gay.”. Even though it is slow going, progress can be seen. Mainstream media is starting to respectfully and accurately represent Trans individuals; Orange is the New Black features a trans woman played by a trans woman and The Killing features a gender-queer character.
While there is still work to be done to achieve full acceptance of not only the LGBT community, but also the many varying identities within, positive progress has clearly been made in Ireland. Most colleges and I.T’s in the country have LGBT societies, support networks and rights officers who are in place to support incoming and current students in their coming out process, among other issues. Everyone I spoke to was enthusiastic about the Dublin scene, calling it a “community” that continues to grow and become more accepting of the differences within it by the day. College is a place of increased freedom of mind and time for many and all who I spoke to implored people entering and in college to embrace that aspect as much as possible, for lots of reasons. As Paul said, at the end of our interview; “Try it all once. Give it all a shot, get involved. The worst thing you have to lose is a wasted evening. Other than that, go for it. You might have a good time”. I think he might just be right.
