Totally Dublin

Is it possible to make a bad lyric even worse? Babelfish provides some intriguing answers.

(Type type type…) “‘And it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard rain’s a-gonna…autumn?’ Hmmmnn, this might need some work…”

You know how it is: it’s 2am, you can’t sleep and you’re on the internet copying and pasting song lyrics into foreign languages and then back again using Babelfish.yahoo.com. I was wondering whether some legendarily bad (and downright weird) lyrics might be improved by being subjected to the aforementioned process. Let’s look at some of the results shall we?*

“Life” by Des’ree into Traditional Chinese and back:

Traditional Chinese version! Oh! Oh life! Oh life! I’m is afraid dark is specially, when I’m in park, and there’ s nobody, oh I obtains shivers. My don’t wants to look at the ghost, It’s a frightened most I Sight; and a rather edible toast onlooking in the evening news. Chorus: Life, oh life! Oh life! Oh life! doo, Doot doot dooo… Life, oh life! Oh life! Oh life! doo doot doo I’m superstitious girl I’m is worst in the world do not walk under the ladder, I retain rabbit’s tail. I’ll adopts you to dare, any place; Gives the place, I’ll in there, caper bungee, I don’t cared! Chorus life oh life… Therefore after all mediates does me to know I’ m is not an only life may indeed be a pleasure, if you want truly. Sometimes occupies your dream, Ain’t is equally easy to look like its as if you to want the flight entire world, in a beautiful balloon.

“Love Plus One” by Haircut 100 into Russian and back:

The I, I did go to the right [bez] to speak before the meeting, before the meeting where it does go hence? Descent to the fear of lake i? Ay ah ah ah ah ah Ay ah ah ah ah ah after this I do cause you do ring love la La of the ring of the ring of ring (ring) (ring) (ring) (ring) plus one you do ring the ring of the ring of ring (ring) (ring) (ring) (ring) when I to call love give love a certain soul if I I can be sufficiently so bold where it does go hence? Descent to the fear of lake i? Ay ah ah ah ah ah Ay ah ah ah ah ah after this I cause you ring love la La of the ring of the ring of ring (ring) (ring) (ring) (ring) plus one you ring the ring of the ring of ring (ring) (ring) (ring) (ring) when I to call love you will fall in love with plus one

“Get Down” by Gilbert O’Sullivan into Italian and back:

To the once Said Piece of furniture before you And the won the tit does not say it more It does not reduce, it reduces, it reduces. You with reference to a defective child of the dog. But I want still it ’round the crawled dates When jumped on your feet Thus reduce, reduce, reduce. Maintain your hands she I’m rigorously from the limits. Once I have drunk a little wine happy. Era how much could be, happy it could have been. Now I’ the m. As soon as gradice a cat on a warm roof of the latta Child what you thinks you’ king doin’ to me once Said before you. And the won the t he does not say it more. Thus does not reduce, they reduce, they reduce. You with reference to a defective child of the dog. But I want still it ’round around. Still I around want aye aye aye the don’t to it; elasticity of t a maledizione and I’d the gradice if you can to. Reduces, reduces, reduces you ‘king defective child of the dog. But I want still it ’round. Once I have drunk a little wine happy Era how much could be, happy it could have been Now I’ the m as soon as gradice a cat on a warm roof of the latta Child what you thinks you’ king doin’ to me once Said before you And the won’ the t he does not say it more Thus does not reduce, they reduce, they reduce You’ with reference to a defective child of the dog But I want still it ’round around.

“My Humps” by Black Eyed Peas into German and back:

Which it gon’ do you do with this whole Trödel? This whole Trödel within your trunk? I’m a received, received, received, receive, you drunk, to receiving you you love drunk away from my embossment. My embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my attractive small lumps (examination it out) I drives these moved brothers, I does it on the daily paper, you treats me really friendly, you buys me to all these freezes. Dolce & Gabbana, Fendi and Donna Karan, are them sharin’ Their whole money received wearin’ to me; Fly brother I ain’ askin, you say that they love my donkey `n, seven jeans, applicable Religion’ to t; s, I says No., but they hold givin’ Thus hold I takin’ And no I ain’ t taken we can on datin’ hold; I hold on demonstrating. My love (love), my love, my love, my love (love) you love my lady lumps (love), my embossment, my embossment, my embossment (love), my embossments received it you, She’ s received expenditure to me. (Oh) Spendin’ Their whole money on me and expenditure time on me. She’ s received spendin’ to me;. (Oh) Spendin’ Their whole money on me, up on me, on me which it gon’ do you do with this whole Trödel? This whole Trödelinnere trunk? I’ MA received, received, received, receive, you drunk, to receiving you you love drunk away from my embossment. Which it gon’ do you do with this whole donkey? These whole donkeys within it jeans? I’ m form, form, form, form you for cry forming you you cry, form you you cry. Lettuce of my embossment (ha), my embossment, my embossment, my embossment (which). My embossment, my embossment, my embossment (ha), my attractive lady lumps (examination it out) I met a girl down to the Disco. She said he, he, he Yea let’ s go. I could be their baby, you can my honey its Let’ s do not spend money of the time. I mix its milk ESPRIT my cocoa breath, Milchiger, milchiger cocoa, mixing you your milk with my cocoa breath, milchiges, milchiges riiiiiiight. They say I’ m really delightfully, the boys wish them to the sex me. It always standing near me, always, dancing near me, Tryin’ a feeling my embossment, embossment. Lookin’ at my lump lump. They can look however you can’ T-note it, if it I’ affect; MA beginning any drama, it don’ t do not wish in such a way a drama, not no drama, No., No., No., no drama to don’ T-course on my hand boy, it ain’ t my man, boy, I’ m straight tryn’ a dance boy, and shift you mean embossments. My embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment, my embossment. My attractive lady seizes together (lumps) my attractive lady seizes together (lumps) my attractive lady seizes together (lumps) in the back and in the front (lump) my lovin’ They receive, She’ s received spendin’ to me;. (Oh) Spendin’ Their whole money on me and expenditure time on me. She’ s received spendin’ to me;. (Oh) Spendin’ Their whole money on me, up on me, on me. Which it gon’ do you do with this whole Trödel? This whole Trödelinnere trunk? I’ MA received, received, received, receive you drunk, to receiving you you love drunk away from my embossment. Which it gon’ do you do with this whole donkey? These whole donkeys within it jeans? I’ MA form, form, form, form you for cry forming you you cry, form you you cry. Which it gon’ do you do with this whole Trödel? This whole Trödelinnere trunk? I’ MA received, received, received, receive you drunk, to receiving you you love drunk away from this embossment. Which it gon’ does ESPRIT do this whole chest? This whole breast inside the shirt? I’ MA form, form, form, form you for work forming you you work, work on you, form you you work. (a ha, Einha, Einha, Einha) [x4] She’ s received spendin’ to me;. (Oh) Spendin’ Their whole money on me and spendin’ Time on me She’ s received spendin’ to me;. (Oh) Spendin’ Their whole money on me, up on me, on me.

“I’d Rather Jack” by The Reynolds Girls into Italian and back:

All that we want to make is to amuse itself Then you have gone to eliminate our house Nobody has never asked our opinion Not, not, we don’t the tit obtains un’ opinion, FM, all those jazz We’d the rather it sings with Yazz What is happened to the radius? The golden songs never do not play that we know Oldies, Rolling Stones, we don’ the tit wants I behind to them; of taken rather than Fleetwood Mac No heavy metal, rock’ n’ seam, music from the passed; of taken rather than Fleetwood Mac I’d of taken rather Can’ t they see that every generation Has music for relative the own identity? But because the DJ on the radius station Is always two times more than age of me? Who has need of Pink Floyd, terrible straits? That’s not our music, it’ s antiquated demographic Stereotipia never does not play the golden songs that we know Oldies, Rolling Stones, we don’t the tit wants I behind to them; of taken rather than Fleetwood Mac No heavy metal, rock’ n’ seam, music from the passed; of taken rather than Fleetwood Mac I’d of taken rather, I’d of taken rather, FM, all those jazz We’d the rather it sings with Yazz What is happened to the radius? The golden songs never do not play that we know Oldies, Rolling Stones, we don’t the tit wants I behind to them; of taken rather than Fleetwood Mac No heavy metal, rock’ n’ seam, music from the passed; of taken rather than golden Fleetwood Mac Oldies, Rolling Stones, we don’t the tit wants I behind to them; of taken rather than Fleetwood Mac No heavy metal, rock’ n’ seam, music from the I passed; of taken rather than golden Fleetwood Mac Oldies, Rolling Stones, we don’t the tit wants I behind to them; of taken rather than Fleetwood Mac No heavy metal, rock’ n’ seam, music from the passed; of taken rather than Fleetwood Mac.

“A Whiter Shade Of Pale” by Procul Harum into Dutch and back again:

We beat light fandango concerning twisted cartwheels ‘cross the floor, I felt pleasantly of seasick but the mob which is exclaimed for more, the space buzzed mullet since the ceiling flew away then we for another spirits exclaimed the waiter brought a server and this way was it later that since the miller is tale told that its face twisted, at first only ghostly, a white shade of proved to be they said, ‘There is no reason and truth is clear to see.’ But I walked by my playing cards and her would not let one of vestal sixteen virgins be which left for the coast and although my eyes were they just ash well are able; closed

“Ironic” by Alannis Morrisette into French, then to Greek, then to English again:

Has a old person turned ninety eight this has gained the [lacheioforo] market and has died the next day. It? HIS black fly in to your Chardonnay It? Apology of district condemned in his death the two minutes excessively late and isn’t this… don’t? ironic? that you think it? Is like the rain your does day of marriage It? Free tour when you the already paid It? ; the good Council these you just didnt? Reception of it where would? Is his VE [skefmmenos]… presented K. Play It Safe did have the fear does fly this has packed his bag and it has embraced his children - [xanadeite] it has expected his [xameni] entire life it realises this flight and while l? Planes? It under shattered to it has thought the? Isn’t? Good? This…? Gentil? And isnt? This… don’t? Ironic? That you think It? Is like the rain your does day of marriage It? Free tour when you the already paid It? the s good Council these you just didn’t? Reception of t where would? Does his VE [skefmmenos]… present the good life it has a joke way cafarder ascendant you when you think everything’? O[oy] of [y] and everything? Is that they go well and the life they have a joke way to repair to you when you think everything? That they go bad and all they explode in your confrontation a bottling when you? Already with delay are non-fumeurs they are connected the cutting of your cigarette It? Is it likes spoons the ten when all that you have the need is a knife It? Is that it meets l? Person of my dreams and meeting then his beautiful spouse and isn’t? This… don’t? ironic? That you think little excessively ironic… and, ouais, i thinks really… It? Is like the rain your does day of marriage It? Free tour when you? The already paid It? The good Council these you just didn’t? Reception of t where would? His VE [skefmmenos]… presents the life it has a joke way cafarder ascendant your life it has a joke and joke way to repair to you you that you repair.

Once I’d got into my stride, some really good lyrics proved difficult to resist…

“A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall” by Bob Dylan into simple Chinese and back:

Oh, where are you at are, my blue eye’s son? Where and are you at are, my dear young people one? I’ve tripped, in 12 have one side the mist mountain, I’ve walked and I’ve crawled in six curving highways, I’ve in seven sad forest middle strides, In 12 die in front of the sea is, I’ve is in the graveyard mouth’s 10,000 miles, and it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, It’s a hard rain’ s a-gonna autumn. Oh, what did you see, my blue eye’s son? What and did you see, my dear young people one? I possessed nearby it see to have a wild wolf’s new birth baby, I saw the diamond highway with nobody regarding this, I looked with retained drippin’ A blood’s black branch; I looked at the room to have their hammer’s a-bleedin’ fully; Human; I saw a water used all lid’s white ladder, I saw the wound tongue complete 10,000 talkative people, I saw the gun and in baby’s hand’s sharp sword, and it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s hardly with it’s a hard, It’s hard rain’ s a-gonna autumn. Oh, what have you heard, my blue eye’s son? What and have you heard, my dear young people one? I heard to roar warnin’ Thunder sound; Possibly heard to submerge the world wave the roar, I have heard the hand am a-blazin’ 100 drummers; I have heard 10,000 whisperin’ And nobody listenin’ I hear a person to starve, I have heard many people’s laughin’ Listens in the drain gutter dead poet’s song, I have heard in the alley sob comedian clown’s sound, and it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, It’s hard rain’ s a-gonna autumn. Oh, what did you meet, my blue eye’s son? And whose you have met, my dear young people one? I met, in dies nearby a pony baby, I met a dawdle depressed Caucasian, I met a young married woman who the body burns, I met a girl, she has given me the rainbow, I met a person who likes being injured, I met am wounded in hatred another person, and it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard, It’s hard rain’s a-gonna autumn. And what’ll you present, my blue eye’s son? And what’ll you present, my dear young people one? I’m a-goin’ Cancels ‘ Front the rain starts a-fallin’ To the deepest darkness’s forest’s depth’s I’ll walk, there people are many, and their hand is completely spatial, there poison pill floods their water, there valley’s family meets the moist dirty jail, and executioner’s the face always good hides, there hunger is ugly, the soul forgot, there black is a color, anything is not the digit, and I’ll tells it, and speaks it and to think it and breathes it, and from mountain reflection, therefore all souls can see it, and In sea I’ll standpoint, until I start sinkin’ But I Starts singin’ in me; ls very before good knows my song; And it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s hardly with it’s a hard, It’s a hard rain’ s a-gonna autumn.

“This Night Has Opened My Eyes” by The Smiths into Korean and back:

From river color baby of map; Send to the bottom; From news of head world her comfort her, the young girl protects this night opened my eye in the doorstep which throws away and you not to sleep assuredly again kicked hard and in compliance with the child A whom 25 threatens like the man who grew you cried, Oh, him he Said; therapeutic your evils but the didn’ t and he excepts your life and come, assuredly you In because; the dream which only 1 gets but goes the baby was realness and Oh, you she well work she was and poet one possibility or, foolish one possibility there was and badly Oh, you work and I Without being happy and the m not being and I Without being sad and, child your oneself who is not sour the shoes in the m swing being you she which does to make remember again to carry your trouble and Oh, she to leave a pain but, your life consequently, to except, you In because the dream which only 1 gets but goes the baby was realness and Oh, you she well work she was and poet one possibility or, foolish one possibility there was and badly Oh, you work and I Without being happy and the m not being and I Without being sad and the m being come… And I Without being happy and the m not being and I Without being sad and the m being come… And I Without being happy and the m not being and I Without being sad and the m being.

*I have made some very minor edits for clarity. If it reads like gobbledegook now, you should have seen it with Babelfish’s punctuation. They all looked like Radiohead lyrics. Which reminds me…

Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead into Russian and back:

Its green plastic [chonservnaya] jar for its false Chinese rubber plant in the false plastic earth that it purchased from the rubber complete by personnel in the town of completely rubber plans to obtain [osvobozhdannym] itself it bears it outside, it bears it outside it bears it outside, it bears it outside it lives with the broken person the cracked person of polystyrene who exactly it crumbles and it burns it he used in order to make surgery for [devushok] in afterward eighty but gravitational force gains always it bears him outside, it bears it outside it bears it outside, it bears it outside it regards first-class thing it tries as first-class thing my false plastic love but I can’ aid t feeling I could blow through the ceiling if I exactly I turn and to run he bears me outside, it bears me outside it bears me outside, it bears me outside if I it could be, then whom you wanted if I it could be, then coma you wanted always always… Always…

Trad jazz, Helen Shapiro, The Twist, the beginning of Tamla Motown, instrumental pop, million-selling LPs - these were the outstanding features of pop in 1961.

Schoolgirl popstar and “British Brenda Lee”, Helen Shapiro

Far from being the dullsville of popular imagination, pre-Beatles pop was hugely diverse and exciting. In this occasional series we’ll look back at the pop landscape of the years leading up to The Beatles’ global breakthrough in 1963. (more…)

Read the new issue? You might have noticed the above bulletin. Taking us up on the challenge? Your deadline is Monday April the 19th. Send all entries, or any question to us by then at editor at totallydublin dot ie and there might be several thousand copies of your creative rapidness all over Dublin next month. Entries can use any medium imaginable, so long as we can print it on our floppy paper. The design can be as simple or abstract as you like.

Grab our template right here.

You’re A Spar

Our launch party this edition was graced by the Rubberbandits, Wounds, a former Minister for Defence, one seriously impressive beard, and two Gardaí. And quite a lot of Dubliners. Special thanks to everybody who transcended the lack of free alcohol, to the vocal cords that sang along with the curse-y choruses (we’re not sure if Wounds’ ‘ALL OUR FRIENDS/DEAD DEAD FUCKING DEAD’ or Rubberbandits’ ‘Fuck yer Honda Civic, I’ve a horse outside’ was more popular) , and the young one who smudged her tits up against the smoking area window during the Rubberbandits (sadly, the eagle eyes of Sharp Shock missed, or chose to omit the Bandits’ “biggest fans”). Shout out, as ever, to Orlando and to Simon, and a gratitude to Wounds for tidying up after themselves, and the Rubberbandits for bringing their own bags.

More shots after the jump.

(more…)

Well, we’ve kept this under our Adidas hoods long enough - issue 67’s already on the streets and in the Tescos, but we’re launching it in louder fashion this Friday, with special help from Willie O’Dea’s favourite glue-fiends, the Rubberbandits, and the potentially-also-out-of-their-bin Wounds. We’ll have at least a million hundred thousand free drinks, our friendly neighbourhood DJ Orlando, and some special former-minister-for-defence-related sideshows on the night.

What?

We take a month off any you’ve already forgotten?

It’s completely free!

The Rubberbandits [http://www.myspace.com/rubberbanditspranks]
The mysterious plastic-bag clad Rubberbandits, or Blindboy Boat Club and Mr Chrome as are their individual aliases, pride themselves on being the ‘grand pricks of prank phone calls’. Having managed to bridge the divide between rap music and comedy their songs ‘Bag of Glue’ and ‘Too Many Gee’ have inspired a cult following that ensures sell-out appearances nationwide.

More at: http://www.totallydublin.ie/comedy-preview-rubberbandits—a-tesco-bag-clad-interview-231.html

Wounds [www.myspace.com/thewoundsband]

‘We’ll play in the seventh circle of hell, the violent one, you drag some of those screaming girls your talking about and we’ll sacrifice them or something ghoulish like that.’

Despite our lunchtime-talk half-plans, there’s no such institution as the Totally Dublin Awards yet. If there was, the first thing we’d do is invite Kanye. After that, we’d ask Wounds to play at the ceremony - they would be, after all, collecting our inaugural ‘Best Live Act’, ‘Dirtiest Riff’, and ’Most Likely To Be Signed To Vice Records’ awards.

More at: http://totallydublin.ie/blog/?p=447

ARE YOU A VIDEO ARTIST? We’ve got the running of a shiny super-sweet projector screen at Odessa Club going to waste on ‘Metropolis’ on constant loop - if you fancy flaunting your visual wares drop us a comment or email.

Don’t tell me that photo doesn’t look familiar. At last week’s GDC Convention in San Francisco (Games Developer’s Convention - a show not known for earth-shattering announcements) Sony took the surprising decision to fully unveil its Playstation 3 motion controller and its official title, Playstation Move. First shown at last summer’s E3 convention under the codename “Playstation Motion Controller” and later re-dubbed the Wand, the Japanese giant also unveiled the first public demos of playable software in the form of the previously unannounced SOCOM 4, Move Party and Motion Fighter. Intended for an autumn release as a direct competitor of Microsoft’s forthcoming gesture-controlled Project Natal motion sensor, initial reaction to Move’s debut has been decidedly mixed.

Move itself provides the same tactile functionality of a Wii Remote, but ensures greater character control with updated innards (a three-axis gyroscope, a three-axis accelerometer and a terrestrial magnetic field sensor if you’re interested) and the graphical splendour PS3 owners have come to expect. One of the biggest surprises of the unveiling was the previously unseen “sub-controller”, pictured above. Essentially a wireless Wii Nunchuk, the sub-controller will allow additional functions such as direct player control, ably demonstrated through the latest SOCOM iteration.

With Project Natal’s software lineup under lock and key until June’s E3 convention, GDC was the perfect opportunity for Sony to convincingly build upon the PS3’s growing momentum by presenting a counterpoint to its direct competitors motion efforts; hoping convention-goers would be left with the impression of the Wii Remote as an archaic, underpowered relic and Project Natal as over-ambitious and lacking in tactile feedback. History tells us however that software, not concepts, sells consoles and in this respect Sony failed to provide any killer apps. Early reports have suggested the majority of games felt like either gimmicky Wii re-treads (Brunswick Pro Bowling, Motion Fighter) or outdated EyeToy-alike mini-game collections (Move Party).

Love them or hate them, one of the smartest decisions Nintendo has ever made was bundling Wii Sports as a Wii launch title; an accessible, game-changing title that resulted in millions of grandchildren teaching their relatives the basics of virtual bowling. Whilst its rivals trumpeted the “bigger is better” concepts of HD gaming and the console as an entertainment hub, Nintendo licked its wounds after the underperformance of their Gamecube and planned their comeback. They ultimately decided to hedge their bets by courting the expanded audience of non-gamers with the lure of simple but novel motion gameplay – a cheaper and hugely successful decision.

Whilst hardcore gamers have largely been left increasingly marginalised by Nintendo’s new direction and turned to its rivals for their fix, Microsoft and Sony are only now realising the potential of motion control to tap up relative newcomers to their cause. However with Wii sales noticeably steadily declining in the last 12 months (Christmas 2009 notwithstanding), is the demand in motion control from the expanded audience already dwindling? Have the four years that have passed since the advent of the Wii left its rivals desperately playing catch-up with a well that has already been tapped? Or is Sony and Microsoft’s assumption that Wii owners are ready to upgrade technologically a safe bet?

Of course it’s far too early for anyone to judge, although Playstation Move’s reveal hasn’t stopped Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime stating “If imitation is the most sincere form of flattery then I’m blushing I’m so flattered”. Reggie however raised an interesting point in the same interview to entertainment website IGN when he was asked on how Nintendo would respond, offering “…I think the question isn’t how will we react — I think the question is, so what is it that’s going to be compelling to the consumer in what they’re doing?”

He makes a qualified point - every successful hardware venture in this current console generation war has been launched with a commercially monstrous, generation-encompassing title; from peripherals (Wii Balance Board – Wii Fit, Wii Steering Wheel – Mario Kart Wii), Nintendo DS’ touch-screen implementation (Nintendogs, Brain Training) to the aforementioned Wii launch itself (Wii Sports).

In a year frequently described by commentators as potentially the greatest the industry has ever seen™ (software-wise), the impending motion control war this winter is perhaps the year’s most intriguing proposition. Can the Wii’s success be attributed purely to the once-revolutionary joy of motion control gameplay or were Nintendo’s universally-loved franchises and comparatively low price-point the deciding factor? For Microsoft and Sony, both giants of the gaming world are betting heavily this year it wasn’t the latter.

Words: Emmet Purcell

In the last of our ely trilogy, (we’ve already served you up real carbonara a la ely and treated you to a stack of their delicious banana pancakes with brandy cream), we bring you yet another great recipe featured in ely’s award-winning cookbook, the wine and food of ely through the seasons. If you’ve ever wondered what the fruit of Bambi’s loins might taste like, this is it. Sweet and succulent, this aul deer will make you weak at the knees. Check out our interview with Erik and Michelle Robson, the husband and wife duo behind the ely brand, in the latest issue of Totally Dublin, out now.

chargrilled venison

with red cabbage, prunes and roasted figs

What to do

Split the figs into 4. Place on a baking tray, drizzle with a little of the vinegar and lightly dust with icing sugar. Cook for 15-20 minutes at 50°C, or as low as your oven will go. Set aside and keep warm until ready to serve.

Meanwhile, place the brown sugar and crème de cassis in a pot and heat gently. In a bowl, combine the red cabbage with the remaining vinegar and leave to stand for 5-10 minutes. Add to the pot together with the prunes and cinnamon stick. Turn up the heat slightly. Stir well, cover and cook for 20-25 minutes, stirring every 2-3 minutes. When cooked, strain over another pot, reserving the liquid. Set the cabbage aside and cover with cling film to keep warm. Reduce the strained liquid over a gentle heat to make the sauce.

Preheat the oven to 180°C. Heat a griddle pan until smoking. Oil the venison very lightly and sear on each side to get a chargrilled effect. Place on a roasting tray in the oven for 4-5 minutes for medium-rare. If you prefer, leave in the oven for longer. Remove the venison from the oven and slice neatly.

To serve, divide the cabbage between 2 serving plates, place the venison on top, coat with the sauce and arrange the figs as desired.

A wine that works

Domaine Le Sang des Cailloux, a Vacqueyras from the southern Rhône is exceptional value and competes nicely with the best of Châteauneuf-du-Papes. It has a Provençal nose of herbs and garrigue; black fruits, pepper and roasted herbs on the palate. Rich, rewarding and lovely with this dish.

Also try

Alvaro Palacios’s ‘Les Terrasses’ from Priorat in Spain.

What you need

2 figs

150ml red wine vinegar

1 tsp icing sugar

50g brown sugar

100ml crème de cassis

150g red cabbage

finely shredded

50g dried prunes

1 cinnamon stick

Olive/sunflower oil

2 x 180g pavés of venison loin

If you are going to go down the unconventional route of not using established text or professional performers in your piece it would also be wise not to send them out on stage bogged down with obtuse stage directions. For while I admire what Una McKevitt is trying to do with Victor & Gord I fear she expected to much off of these real life characters.

Inspired by the 08 Fringe show Susan & Darren from English production company Quarantine which examined an ongoing mother -son relationship, McEvitts show takes a snapshot of life long friends Victor (Victoria Curtis) & Gord (Aine McKevitt) and bleeds it across the stage. Unfortunately it never really comes into focus with too much time wasted on basic drama school exercises ( “What I like about Victor/Gord is…), pointless musical interludes( Bohemian Rhapsody, Man in The Mirror) and painful, stilted silences between stories.

There is also a second story, that of Jason Breen,  thrown into the mix, with seriously violent undertones, that doesn’t gel at all with the central relationship between the two girls. He was balanced out with his own Victor & Gord like friendship in the shows previous incarnation who wasn’t available this time round. Why McEvitt didn’t look for another friendship to examine I don’t know but I really felt for Jay as he was often left hanging on the stage like a spare tit.

It poses many questions about the life these girls have spent together but never really tells us much about them. I get that they went through the usual trials and tribulations facing straight/gay friendships but I would really liked to see the two discuss and resolve their issues on the actual stage, rather than in the rehearsal room. It’s a bit like attending a funeral without the wake.

Vicki, Gord and Jason are likable characters and when they let the mask they unnervingly wear over their true natures slip you genuinely root for them. Viki in particular warms the cockles. But since the show barely opens the door on the true current nature of their friendship the whole thing feels like a weak handshake instead of the hug you were expecting.

Less direction and more spontaneity would have made this show come alive despite the rather run-of-the-mill scenarios at its heart.

Mama Cass - subject of a fascinating pop “fact”.

Several songs on the new Hot Chip album were written by chimpanzees! Newton Faulkner grows parsnips in his hair! George Michael has a special door in the roof of his mansion which he has to be lifted in and out of by crane! Yes readers, those were some appalling fibs. But from time to time the world of rock and pop throws up stories which are stranger than anything you could make up. For example the recent revelation that Dion Dublin has invented a new musical instrument. A percussion instrument in fact. Yes, that’s Dion Dublin the ex-England international footballer who played up front for Coventry City in the late 90s. The instrument is called the Dube and it has its own website and everything. “I literally went to Jewson and got some off-cuts of wood - I bought a hammer and some nails and I made a cube,” says Dublin, “I made it myself and got a few cuts trying to play it. It’s just sort of snowballed from there.” Well I never. Is there a long tradition of footballers inventing musical instruments? Did Frank Worthington invent the keytar? Were syndrums dreamed up by Trevor Francis? No, they didn’t which is why Dion Dublin following in the footsteps of Les Paul is rather odd.

I’m telling you this now because one day this will be the answer to a tricky pop pub quiz question. You have been primed. You need to bone up on your musical trivia if you’re ever to fare well at a pub quiz, but you don’t necessarily need to untangle the truths from the falsehoods because most fascinating pop facts turn out to be boringly false without ever being corrected. Mama Cass didn’t die by choking on a sandwich, despite a vicious rumour to the contrary, no doubt given currency by the fact that Mama Cass was indeed rather portly. David Bowie didn’t invent Connect 4. And it’s not true that Stevie Wonder lost his sense of smell in a car accident. Except it is. But he got it back again or something. Oh I don’t know, leave me alone alright? I’ve got a pop blog to write.

Which is why it’s helpful to keep coming back to Snopes.com, the website that takes urban myths and subjects them to a “rigorous critical analysis” (or something). It has lots of different subsections including a page about music. Lots of the spurious musical rumours (i.e. lies) seem to involve notions about female pop stars being blokes - see the entries on Ciara and Lady Gaga. It’s as if people think a woman couldn’t possibly really be responsible for making great music, so non-existent genitals must be conjured to explain away the amazing power of brillo female pop. Didn’t the Spice Girls kick those barriers down years ago? You know when they had all those number ones? Snopes can’t verify the point, but it can put paid to the old story that Keith Richards likes to have his blood replaced every so often (aw, that’s the sort of story you half hope is true), and it can confirm that Michael Jackson owned the rights to the Beatles back catalogue – indeed it goes into exhaustively lengthy detail concerning the small print of the deal. But truth is boring so let’s make up some more lies: Florence Welch is terrified of water! Julian Casablancas’ next album will feature backing vocals by tennis “ace” Andy Murray! Mollie from The Saturdays was once a member of Riot Grrl band Huggy Bear!

(The pop blog will return next week after its author has a nice long lie down… - Ed.)